I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
