Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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