So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
