You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize