I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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