im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize