I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
