If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Randomize
