she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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