i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
