you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Semen is not good for contacts.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
