my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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