I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
