my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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