Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
