i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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