Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
