I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
