I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
