And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
