just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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