My friends, they love my intelligence
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
