i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize