just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I forget how to act sober
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize