swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize