I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
