Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize
