Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
