Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
