Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
