Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
