we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
