so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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