I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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