I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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