maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
