I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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