You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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