Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
