Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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