the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
