A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
