Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
