I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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