your parents love me but you hate me
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
