Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
