Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
