I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
