omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
