Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
