we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
