party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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