Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
