Kiss
Puke
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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