It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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