I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
