he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize